idontwannabewithyou

After a long thought, I realized it.
The suffering.
The discomfort.
The pain.
The despondent pain of wanting to attain someone really unattainable.
Touchable, but unreachable.
You.

Who are you fighting for?

You stand by my side, in spite of it I still ask myself, "Are you really here?"
I can fell the underbelly of this.
I fell you are fighting. For me?
The exquisite pain of doubting... not exquisite pain, the sorrowful pain of doubting.
...
You're the one for whom I'm fighting. Aren't you?
Now I know that I have any idea what we are looking for.
Though, We found each other.
Are you my man?
Can we share our lives or just get through a night?
Tell me.
Fight for it.
Fight for me.
If you were my man, I would be fighting for you.
Would you fight for me?

The inability to talk

I lit my cigarrete. I have no idea what I'm gonna say, what I'm gonna do.
F*ck you.
I'm scared. I'm scared of the past, of the future; even the present scares me.
I do not  want to bother you with that. Why would I do it? What would you do?
All I can say is, "where the hell do you put our plans? our fucking plans?"
I'm not sure if you've ever dreamt the same dream which I've always dreamt. I'm not judging you for what you want, I just really angry at you to get me by your side at this point.
I mean, "what's the point? What is your F*CKING point?! Do you have one at least?"
I'm unhappy. I'm really unhappy. I've always wanted to be with you, and now I find you disgusting. I'm really sad to admit it.

I've been thinking of these things, of the truths... and I cannot talk to you. I'm not able to tell you this because you're happy with this life and at this point I know I really do care about you, but I'm falling myself apart. We have to talk.

He said, "Hi, honey! Is everything okay? You have sounded strange when you send me that message text."
"I'm not okay. I've not been okay since we're got this point at our lives. What the fuck are we doing with our lives. We're not like that. At least, I am not."
Sebastian said confused, "Um... what are you talking about?"
"You do really know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about myself. How I'm getting really crazy because of it."
"I am not following."
"Sebastian, we do not love each other. In fact, I do not like you at all."

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"How much time is too much time?"

Stop waiting for a perfect moment, go for it.
Stop waiting for a perfect person, love who loves you back.
You're always looking for perfection. That does not exist.
You exist.
That's all.

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bus station and laughs: memories

I was at bus station and then I saw someone. A woman. She laughed. She laughed just like you used to laugh when I was with you.
It hit me. It hit me in a way, which I was not ready for.
I realized you will always be in my heart.
Thanks for laughing. You two.

Memories.
They are very cruel.
Or
Would they be kindness?

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you.

You. The one who I missed. You used to be my person.

"Let's play a game? I'll tell you a big secret of mine and you tell me one of yours. Did you get it? I'll go first.", said I. "I've been pretending all this time being a guy who doesn't care that much and, like, I just moved on. I don't. I want you. so bad. now. Why am I telling you this? I don't know, but I think this is the biggest secret, which I can think of."

*Silence*

"I'm sorry. I'm such a cliché. I didn't want saying that. In fact, I wanted to. It was suffocating myself. I had to pull these words off. For you. To you. With you." I was still the one who was speaking.

Another silence. He was just seeing me. In fact, starting at me. I didn't know if it was a good thing.

"I'm done. Your turn."

"You left me so speechless."

"So did you."

"What are you expecting to?"

"I don't know. Nothing?"

"I'm confused. really confused."

"It has been a long time. I'm totally conscious that you may are in love with another guy."

"I am."

"I am sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

We hugged. Tightly.
We cried. A lot.
We kissed.  

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I'm an asshole

Hi, Readers! How are ya? I do not "write" usually because I have no special talent for it, but I had really wanted to write it down, so I did. I hope you all like it.

I am an asshole. This moment, as I can see, you need me the most. I am unintentionally letting you go. I spoke like that because the truth is I have to live, work, date, kiss, fuck, make love. Live. I have always been a great person who is helping everyone but myself. I do not want to abandon you. You are the person I love the most. For sure. But I just can’t. I can’t. I am weak. I cannot help someone this moment. I need help. I need someone to hold me, to protect me. Everytime I see you, Everytime I hear you, I know you need me, but I need someone too. I am too weak to help anybody. You are sick now. I have to help you, but who are going to help me? I feel guilty because you are the person who I love the most. Are you able to decry me? I am already doing this to myself. I hope for the moment when it will start to fade. This guilty. No one knows how much my heart is aching, how much my head is aching. I cannot leave you, but I cannot abandon myself. I have always felt empathy for everyone, but who does feel it for me? I don't know. I just (and unfortunately) got fucking lost. I have to find myself. I am sure I will never abandon you, but I have to help myself. I am a man with dreams and desires as everyone. I am an asshole.

Thank you for reading this! See you soon!

If you want to follow me on instagram: @italoreads